The Evil of the American Girl

I announced in http://phantomofpulp.blogspot.com/2009/03/meet-girls-from-stepford.html that the American Girls are here. They're not coming soon. They're not waiting around the corner. THEY ARE HERE.

The March 2009 catalog is a deathlist of more troubling developments and heinous events.

Somehow, they've penetrated the music conservatory. Some will be fooled by their "perfect harmony". I won't. At least I don't think I will.

This one's waiting for your call. I suggest you "lose" her number.

Clever idea. Covering those John Wyndham eyes with sunnies.

Is that a coffin she's sitting up in or a bed? I could have sworn it was a coffin.

And what the fuck is it with Bennett and Yank, little Molly's hellhounds? Yank?! Bennett? Who named these two?

Yeah, bring home your "Bitty Baby" and say goodbye to your future.

Pity the unfortunate blond moppet (pictured) who is yet to taste the bittersweet nectar of synthetic homicide.

Ah, the bliss of ignorance. Better make the most of your day on the town, girls, because it will be your last.

Note the malicious, future thinking grin on the dial of the doll in green.

What pretty evil these maidens bear.

The "finding friendship" mini-essay above refers to a group of "mean girls" who are making it hard for Chrissa to fit in. Her dilemma is: Will she side with Sonali (sounds like a foreigner!) or Gwen?

Well, she decides to go with the local lama instead.

Say a prayer for the gullible beast.

The Spring catalog of plastic killers promises: "She'll look her best in a new Spring doll dress."

Unfortunately, our covergirl will be lucky to live beyond bedtime.

When this doll strikes, it's blood- and brain-splattered sheets all the way!

Meet The Girls From Stepford

This is Nicky, American Girl's "Girl of the Year, 2007".

According to the catalog, she's "a natural with animals. She's also compassionate, dependable -- and very busy."

Busy doing what? Being creepy in a Stepford kind of way?


This is the real Nicky.

As you can see, the doll has been chubbied up and mutated so it doesn't cop the body image criticism often aimed (unfairly) at dear Barbie, Nicky's distant relative.

The huge American Girl store at The Grove in West Hollywood is well worth visiting.

It is where zombified little girls can be purchased for a pretty penny.

Siamese Twins joined at the hip have found a home at the store.

Something is wrong with Grace the Dog, though.

Kit puts on a brave face, of course, but it doesn't change the fact that something is very wrong with Grace.


The children gather to decide whether to send Josefina, the Hispanic girl, "who holds onto dreams as big as the New Mexico sky", according to the catalog, back to Mexico.

Due to a printing error in the May 2007 catalog, she has been permanently scarred. She's no longer per-fect. Personally, I like her flawed beauty.

Although I am a collector of factory-deformed or obviously hideous dolls, I recognized the magic of the American Girl dolls almost right away.

A company so self-consciously PC couldn't help but produce these delightful mutations.

The first American Girl film, Kit Kittredge - An American Girl (2008), starred Abigail Breslin as Kit.

Thankfully, she didn't sing or dance. And, by comparing visages, you can see that Kit was de-chubbied for the movie.

As a rule, Little Fat Girls are usually hidden from children's eyes on media cautiously programmed after their kind have gone to bed.

These roly-poly moppets from Desperate Housewives are rarely exposed to "normal children".


The Kit Kittredge film is an exceptionally well made, slightly PC period drama set in The Great Depression. Kit (Breslin) is an aspiring, young journalist whose father loses his job. As a result, she learns about foreclosure and homelessness as the world around her changes.

Obviously, I wasn't the only one concerned about Grace's unhappiness.

In the film version of Kit's life, you can see that Grace's dog box has been widened on all sides. Clearly, the source of the dog's unhappiness had been the asphyxiating dimensions of the original head opening. He appeared much happier in the film.

Unfortunately, the movie did not perform any cartwheels at the box office.

Next time, American Girl may do well to focus on the creepy aspect of their creations and set the film in Stepford.