Sunday, July 24, 2011

Will Michael Bay Attach to Live Action 'Overfiend'?

Watching Transformers 3 - Dark Side of the Moon, I came to the conclusion that Michael Bay ought to make a big budget, live action version of Legend of the Overfiend next. I say that with some seriousness for the following reasons:

1)Clearly, Bay's greatest passion is shooting beautiful women. In this flick, he introduces the token beautiful woman (a Victoria's Secret model!) with a gorgeously lit, low angle shot of her ass and creamy thighs. When she appears a little later in another scene, the dialog heard over a shot of her is "What a beautiful box!" I kid you not. The line is referring to a box someone is holding, but this is Bay's sledgehammer subtle attempt to ease some sleaze into a PG-13 film. He succeeds.

It must be so frustrating for the man to have to make films like this when all he really wants to do is make big budget porn.

2)Bay's second greatest passion is destroying property and people. He has an affinity for special visual effects and his quality control criteria (where special effects are concerned, at least) is thorough. This film has some arresting, visually spectacular sequences that, momentarily, help us forget the tedious in-betweens like character interaction. Some of the outer space footage echoes the otherworldly vistas seen in the animated Overfiend, and it's not a stretch to hypothesize that Mr. Bay gets a big, purple stiffy for space!

3)The Bay-meister needs new material that is not based on a toy. You can only do so much with a toy's backstory, and here they're scraping the bottom of the barrel. Overfiend, which does have a denser backstory than the current film under discussion, would provide the director with more than enough material to play with.

4)At its base, Overfiend mixes outer space, destruction of property, and the wholesale rape and penetration of women of a youthful persuasion. It goes about as far as intergalactic rape can go with females being bounced on industrial strength fucking machines and bodies ripped apart at the point of orgasm.

Michael Bay, this is your life, brother!

Or your future, anyway, if you decide to embrace your true nature and quit living a lie.

Go on, you know you want to.

Aside from the above-mentioned assets, Transformers 3 is a stinker. The biggest deficit is the Shia LeBeef character. Not only is he an arrogant, irritating asshole, he's irrelevant to the story. In this outing, it's so obvious that writer Ehren Kruger struggled valiantly to make The Beef matter. Crikey, the initial scenes with him feel like they're from another movie entirely.

We crosscut between the 'Transformers' story and nonsensical, attempted comedy involving LeBeef looking for a job. He also exchanges horrendous dialog with the new token vagina (a lovely British lass), and gets hassled by his parents (his mother looks and acts uncannily like Bam Margera's mom). Eventually, the two stories, if you can call them that, are forced to blend. That means injecting LeBeef and his rotten stage presence into a military operation. He then does stuff like telling special ops guys what to do and making reckless decisions that keep him in the story. Honestly, the little fucker isn't needed. He's a non-essential. He's like a key ring on a condom. Maybe he's there because he puts bums on seats? These days, that really is hard to believe. Would 'Transformers' diehards picket the next film if LeBeef wasn't aboard for it. I doubt it. In fact, I'd wager they'd applaud any decision to oust LeBeef.

In case you're wondering, yes, the film still features the annoying, "hilarious" sidekick robots;  director/actor John Turturro embarrasses himself and earns a great paycheck; and hideous, jingoistic dialog is mouthed by military, government, and mechanical spokesholes. The robot battles go on and on until they're like wallpaper, and the token vagina never gets her lily white clothes dirty, even though she's pouting about in a filthy war zone.

I really don't know who this movie is for. Audiences went to it in throngs, but did any of them actually enjoy it, or was it just another oversold lemming event?

Michael Bay, it's time to right your wrongs through interstellar penetration.

Unzip your creativity and go for it, dude!


  1. Porn has always been low-budget; it's like a... species requirement. Americans have always had the correct instinct in making the cheap stuff; the Europeans make those silly 'high-budget' sword and sorcery pornos, or the espionage/action pornos.
    It sounds like you want a porn flick with a big budget, big names, and big violence. I'm positive you've seen Caligula, which has all those things. Now I liked Caligula, but I think I was the only one. If Bay made a porno with a budget and violence and Shia Labarf, he would be finished. Although are you saying he could be huge in Asia if he only crossed the line? Go the live action hardcore hentai way, complete with tentacles? Hm.
    Ps it's my birthday and I'm full of Okanagan wine and prosecco, so yes
    I sound a little over the top.

  2. Mac -- wine or not, you're on the money, mate! I'm being mostly facetious about Bay. Caligula is a hit/miss affair for me. I probably prefer the making-of with Gore Vidal's insane input. The Euro pics you're referring to are probably the Mario Salieri features or perhaps the Marc Dorcel efforts. I'm with Bill Margold in saying that porn kinda belongs in the gutter. Too much glitter and it turns to crap. My favorite US proponent is probably Stagliano, altho I also like Belladonna. Live action hentai? I've seen low budget hentai live action and they're appallingly bad. Of course Bay would be finished making porn, but I really don't think he's making any worthy contributions to cinema doing what he's currently doing.

  3. As a long time Transformers geek I have to say they're more than just a toy, bucko! ...they're fucking ripe with mythology!

    I find LaBieouf or whatever the fuck his name is repellent on a cellular basis. I'm glad you said it. I guess you blew your chances of having him be Flock of Seagulls hair guy in the $100 mil Marauders reboot though. Maybe if Bay helms the project he can work to undo the damage you've done and get Shia's horrible ass-putting-in-seats face on board. Fingers crossed.

    Even though this whole post is a piss-take, I hope Bay somehow stumbles upon it and takes it to heart. He could be doing so many bigger and better things and making the world a better place through tentacle rape.

    I just ate a bag of brownie bites--that's my excuse for these remarks.

  4. jervaise brooke hamsterJuly 25, 2011 at 10:31 AM

    The lie that Michael Bay is living is the same lie that we`re all living in this "THE TIME OF SEXUAL REPRESSION" that we were all unfortunate enough to be born into.

  5. Phantom, the last hour of "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" is 1000 times better by itself (literally) than everything that has ever been produced by the British film industry put together over the last 122 years since the invention of the cinematograph circa 1889. Always remember to make that comparison the next time you`re thinking about trashing a special effects extravaganza (even if the scenes without special effects ARE garbage).

  6. jervaise brooke hamsterJuly 29, 2011 at 2:16 PM

    Phantom, have you read Mick la Salle's (San Francisco Chronicle) quite superb and truthful reveiw of "Attack the Block" over at MetaCritic ?, it is absolute perfection, its like the reveiw had been written by me, happy reading my old mate.