Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Super 8 is 8 Loads of Crap


Fuck me drunk!

Super 8 is a sloppy, boring, noxious piece of crap.

This represents an effort to recreate the dubious magic of films like The Goonies, Explorers, and ET. Unfortunately, the script feels like a first draft with all its inherent logic flaws and inconsistencies.

It's off to a rotten start with a spectacular but improbable train crash. The cause of the crash is a single vehicle placed in the path of a barreling locomotive. From the carnage that ensues, you'd think the train had hit a box of atomic bombs. A fallen Super-8 camera records something spidery emerging from the crash site. A bunch of annoying kids, the owners of the footage, begin to believe that something is fishy because the military invade their town in the wake of the crash.

Derivatives are piled on top of derivatives to form a vapid mash, and screaming contrivances run rampant across the screen. Every character seems to be in the right place at precisely the right time to witness stuff the script needs them to witness. Exposition is as heavy-handed as possible, and it gets even heavier when the kids find an old film that explains EVERYTHING to them.


This film's biggest crime is lazy writing. Aside from a tight opening five minutes, it plummets quickly into an abyss of pure crapola for the remainder of its endless running time -- its 90+ minutes feel more like 90 hours. And speaking of abysses, the film's creature digs itself one in an old shed. Because the abyss is so deep and so complex, a major question is hung like a dripping turd over the movie: What did the creature do with all the earth it excavated out of the ground? Eat it?

Seriously, this sucks worse than a drunk hooker, and its positive reviews can only be testament to how far critical standards have dropped.

18 comments:

  1. Jesus. Dont hold back!
    I guess Ive saved $17.50
    Cheers.

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  2. I just read the comment you left at my blogspot and I love your sense of humor. Lmao! Don't forget the faeries my man! I'm having a very nice evening and hope you are too. Did you see Green Hornet remake and what did you think of it? ♥

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  3. jaxflix -- spend it on birth control, trash novels, pornography, or Vitamin supplements, Jax. Far more sensible.

    ***

    Bekkie -- Faeries never forgotten, Bekkie. Have not seen LANTERN yet. What did YOU think of it?

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  4. jervaise brooke hamsterJune 14, 2011 at 6:21 PM

    Bekkie is a little darlin`, i`d love to shove my knob up her bum as well. By the way Phantom, imagine being in bed with both Elle and Dakota Fanning and performing every sex-act in the known universe on those two ass-tonishing little lustpots, that would be pure heaven i think you`ll agree.

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  5. "Dubious magic" is right. I'll always love Raiders of the Lost Ark, but the rest of the 80's Amblin stuff is just so all-american-saccharine that it makes me want to puke. I've never understood the love - and REVERENCE - for movies like ET and the Goonies. They're over-sentimental Happy Meals for the brain... fuck ET. I can't even tolerate Close Encounters anymore, a movie I loved as a kid. Been meaning to rewatch Poltergeist to see if that still works for me as an adult.

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  6. Aylmer -- couldn't agree more with you. Finely articulated. Spielberg's portraits of an American that never really existed for most people, anyway, leave me cold these days. American-Saccharine makes me wanna puke, too. As from some of the UFO set pieces, I can't stand CE3K anymore, either. We all change. My personal favorite Spielberg flick is still DUEL. Love it!

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  7. jervaise brooke hamsterJune 15, 2011 at 4:29 AM

    Aylmer, Poltergeist only works for me now because Heather O`Rourke is in it, obviously. By the way Phantom, Duel is a cult item par-excellence but i still think the mo-girl-t towards the end of CE3K where the "chandalier like" space-ship appears in all its glory is one of the most breathtaking mo-girl-ts in the history of cinema, still perhaps Trumbulls greatest acheive-girl-t.

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  8. So glad I've happened across your review before going to see this movie... From the hype its received, you'd think it was supposed to be one of the movies of the decade (I'm willing to bet that your assessment is far more accurate)

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  9. "Sucks worse than a drunk hooker."

    Even though I wasn't going to see this movie anyway, I'm glad I read this review anyway, if only for the drunk hooker joke.

    More drunk hooker jokes, please!

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  10. Phantom, have you read what Johnny over at "Freddy In Space" wrote about this movie ?, he said he thought it was one of the greatest films he`d ever seen and that all the negative reveiws of this movie that he`d read (like yours) were written by people who cant appreciate cinematic fantasy worlds anymore (or words to that effect) for various reasons. I was wondering if you could read that reveiw and then say why you think your appraisal of the movie is still the right one.

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  11. ^I'm all for nerdliness, but that just sounds like fanboy speak for "I"ll just slag off anyone whose opinion differs from mine with a sweeping generality."

    I'm gonna trust the Phantom on this one since it barely registered as something I'd be interested in anyway. His hilarious rage really drives the point home. Plus, whenever I revisit one of those 80s turds like Explorers I realize what queerbait I was as a child.

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  12. Eddie -- Freddy in Space's opinion is his only, as is mine. It's folly to slag off someone's credibility because you don't agree with them. Reaction to art is totally subjective. I definitely don't need to read someone else's review to gauge whether mine was "right". On the contrary, I stand by my own opinion, and don't take polls to form one.

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  13. I can't wait that this movie arrives in Guadeloupe !!
    ^^

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  14. I didn't think it was that bad for summer escapism. Come on, you were expecting Citizen Kane? Yeah, there wasn't any dismemberment, vomit eating, or animal fucking... but it was a PG family film. From what you generally review, I'm surprise you'd waste your time on film like Super 8.

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  15. Anon -- for a film produced by Spielberg, who has made the Citizen Kane of escapist movies (JAWS!), I expected something that was at least intelligent. 'Harry Potter' is good, intelligent Escapism, this is crap Escapism. I see a lot more movies than I review (hell, I even saw 'Bridesmaids' and liked it!; see my list)), but I just don't see much sense in reviewing too many mainstream movies because everybody else is doing that. On the subject of of dismemberment, vomit eating, and animal fucking, most of those are crappy, too. With some exceptions :-)

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  16. no doubt..what a pile of shit... waste of 90 good hours . I heard snoring

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  17. I'm thirty minutes into this film as I write this and have seen enough already! I had a vaguely annoyed feeling from the opening scenes that sharpened immediately when the train didn't simultaneously crush and shove the pickup truck backwards and stay ON the tracks. I'm only 45 minutes in and can see it's not getting any better. BTW, can anyone name a Kyle Chandler role where he portrays a likable character and not a self righteous pissed-off jerk? Just asking...

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  18. and once again other people gave it good reviews....just like transformers,clash of the titans and all other shits that comes out now

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