Monday, August 31, 2009

Who Slew Halloween 2?

The biggest kill of Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 is the franchise.

I walked out of this thinking: I don't want to see another fuckin Halloween film as long as I fucking live. Or die.

I thought Zombie's first Halloween was pitiful. Well, it's endearing compared to this shit.

And I do use shit advisedly. This film deserves condemnation. And so does Dimension. They greenlit this turd. No wonder they're going to the wall. They've lost control of their material. Their first horror film, The Burning ('81), was fifty times better than this. Is that progress?

As this hulking bore was unspooling like a thick streamer of diarrhea, I had another thought: If a novice screenwriter had sent this script to an agent or studio, he would have been told to get the fuck out of town and come back in ten years when he'd learned how to fuckin write.

The writing here is virtually non-existent. There are no "characters", there is zero suspense, and the kills are so matter-of-fact and hard to see (thanks to the hysterical cutting), you could rate them PG-13.

I don't care who I offend, but Rob Zombie fuckin sucks as a horror director.

To be fair, The Devil's Rejects, which got by on pure adrenalin and viscera, is a very decent flick, but it's an aberration in Zombie's sad screen career.

House of 1000 Corpses is dumb, boring, hick shit, and both Halloween remakes are proof that he has no story sense and no passion left for the genre.

Good horror directors like Romero, Raimi and Carpenter were excited by ideas. Dawn of the Dead, Evil Dead, and the original Halloween, for example, told simple but engaging stories, and were alive with invention, suspense, and fresh technique.

Zombie gets decent budgets, gets carte blanche to do whatever the hell he wants, and he still turns out cinematic excrement that is impossible to flush from video shelves. It sits there like toilet seat smears that won't rub off.

As is obvious, this film made me really fuckin angry, especially in light of the fact that good horror like Grace, The Collector, Eden Lake, Dead Girl , and Sick Girl get next-to-no or zero cinematic exposure.

A big part of the problem are the studio suits who greenlight a stinker like this because they can't tell a prince from a bucket of toe pus. These people are running the industry. These people are fucking it to death until it becomes a moldy, stiff corpse.

What's he got to be so arrogant about?

Halloween 2, made by the goddamn sell-out Rob Zombie (Mr. Fuckin Horror, my ass!), who used to howl and pontificate about the pointlessness of remakes, is the personification of what's wrong with American studio horror.

In future, I now know what to expect from him. Crap. And what to do when another of his stinkers hits the mulitplex. Run in the opposite direction. Fast.

***

Believe it or not, there was an announcement today that the next Halloween will be in 3-D.

Whoopity-fuckin-do!

Will people pay ten bucks to watch someone take a dump right into their face?

The answer may be a depressing yes.

And finally, is there an antibiotic available that will purge a Zombie film from your system?

Yes.

Take one of these once a day for a week: Eden Lake, Combat Shock, I Stand Alone, Sheitan, The Shuttered Room, The Collector & Dead Girl.

Repeat if necessary.

At least the directors of these still give a shit.

19 comments:

  1. Good advice Mr Phantom of Pulp on cleansing one's mind after watching a Mr. Zombie film. I just want to know who thinks that Mr Zombie is making a good film because his Halloween films have been horrible!

    I honestly believe that some fanboy would do a better remake (or re-imagination) of Halloween then this hack! Dimension Films - what are you thinking - they have killed off one of the great film series! No wonder the Saw series looks so brilliant compared to the recent Halloween films.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hear, hear, Mr. Smith! I don't get the love for Zombie at all. Is it because of his music persona? If I go with that thinking, perhaps Herman Munster should be a director. Unfortunately, this is how moronic much of the film business is.

    Christ, I could make a better Halloween while making another film at the same time. And I'm only half a fanboy!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Someone needed to vent. :)

    I can't say that I share as much anger as you over H2, but I think Mr. Zombie does have a lot more to learn as a director and that's clear from the choices regarding cinematography, editing, and screenwriting. I also think that just because he is a longtime horror fan, that doesn't mean horror is the genre he was meant for. 70's exploitation flicks that mix action/violence might be a better match.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I had some hopes for the sequel actually, but now I lost it and I'm sure you're correct in everything you're writing. I don't mind a remake or silly sequel as long as they are entertaining/good/whatever, but Zombie just can't handle it. To be honest, I couldn't even finish Devils Rejects!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have to say I thought Zombie's first "Halloween" was of some benefit in that it made me go back to the original, and the best.

    These remakes tend to make the originals look so much better than I remember them. Having said that, I am reminded that the "Chainsaw" remakes- not to mention the "Hills" retreads where pretty fucking good!

    I have no intention of seeing Mr. Zombies "H2"...I only watch DVD's now. If I am going to be shat on, I would like it to be in the privacy of my own home, rather than in the cinema. If they want me back in front of the big screen, they have a lot of making up to do with me. Half the ticket price, at least triple the entertainment value. And I don't see that happening anytime soon...

    And they wonder why audiences are staying away...Zombie is laughing because he is killing off Horror cinema. I wonder if he is not meaning to.

    I'm happy with the occasional modest victories on DVD from time to time, like "Wrong Turn 2", "Ruins", etc. Old stuff like "He Was a Good Man", and "Stuck" are like breaths of fresh air to me; not exactly heralded or highly anticipated horror...merely little victories that keep one going.

    Not unlike finding meaning in life...

    ReplyDelete
  6. B-MB -- a very good point about what Zombie might be meant for. Which is supported by his good work on THE DEVIL'S REJECTS (more of an action/violence/Redneck mix).

    Yes, "someone" needs to vent now and then.

    ReplyDelete
  7. mandingo -- I like your positive spin on the experience -- that it's profile has made you watch the original again.

    Like you (and not too many others), I also liked the CHAINSAW remake. At least it was cohesive, visually arresting, and had some interesting grotesque characters.

    Not sure of all of Zombie's intentions, but the primary one in making H2 was to get a fat paycheck and cross-promote his music/touring.

    The cinema has become a hell thanks to cell phones and disrespectful audiences, so I don't blame you for shunning them. I like all four of the films you mentioned and saw two ('Ruins' & 'Stuck') at the cinema, anyway.

    Finding meaning does get one up in the morning.

    If we find it, do we then die?!

    ***

    Ninja -- a very disappointing effort it was, and I am one of the world's biggest horror fans, so my review was straight and pure and written from a place of disgust. If one's heart is not in it, get the fuck out!

    I still like REJECTS, though. I like it quite a lot. Clearly, Zombie was at home with that. He does perversion very nicely, and I'm receptive to that. In both HALLOWEEN films, the brakes are on, and the invention is asleep. Shame.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I liked "house of 1000 Corpses"-though not great I had fun watching Sid Haig chew up the scenery. "Devils Rejects" was a different story though, never have I hated a film as much as I did that one. I've got no problems with violence, or exploitation, I do have a problem with piss poor writing and directing.

    His "remake" of "Halloween" made me give up on him, period. I have no intention of seeing H2, or even rent it on netflix.

    Interesting point though, Nick Cato over on Shocklines, in his review said: "It's one thing to pay homage to something you love (as Zombie did with HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES, a professed "tribute" to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre that I truly enjoyed). It's another thing to literally STEAL scenes, camera angles and techniques right out of another movie, which happens so often in HALLOWEEN 2 I wanted to scream." I thought that was interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I usually share your views on HK cinema so unfortunately I'll probably also share your view on this film. :o(

    This saddens me immensely as (in contradiction to Ninja) I l-o-v-e The Devils Rejects. Mr Zombie doesn't take one single wrong move with that film! So I agree; he probably should stay the fuck away from horror and do exploitation instead. Or just be a fanboy!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Scottcolbert -- fair enough. I tried to like CORPSES (I tried twice), but it just felt silly to me.

    On REJECTS I agree with some of yours points. As I said in my review above, it got by on adrenalin and viscera. Zombie has no handle on writing (dialog, structure, character).

    Cato's point is a salient one.

    We should also not forget that the original HALLOWEEN 2 was pretty terrible, too.

    Bland and predictable crap from a director (Rick Rosenthal) who went on to direct a very good film -- BAD BOYS (with Sean Penn).

    ReplyDelete
  11. Jack J -- I'd say give it a shot, but you'd want to castrate me for such advice.

    We're on the same page with DEVIL's and wishing he'd focus on pure exploitation.

    If he's going to do remakes, do FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE. It's right up his alley. Or TRIP WITH THE TEACHER.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Rob Zombie is sort of like the George W. Bush of horror movies. He's a fucking clown and at least half those watching don't even realize it.

    Of course, being a real trash film and horror snob I could sincerely say that about a lotta folks.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I pretty much agree with everything you wrote. I was planning on seeing this out of curiosity (and not paying a cent for it, mind you) but now I think I'll just pass. Eden Lake and Sheitan are both great films even though Eden Lake gets occasionally shit on by people for some reason. I haven't see Dead Girl yet but I'm really looking forward to it.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I looked up the films you suggested but in regards to The Collector there's actually two horror films by that title; a 1965 film and a Canadian film originally entitled Collectionneur. Which one did you mean? Cheers.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh, a couple of other things...

    Scott said he liked '1000 corpses', and I quite liked it too, because of Sid Haig, mainly. I saw it as a comedy, and felt horror fans would be left out in the cold. I also liked 'Rejects', but only because it was not horror, as much as it was a throwback to...the 70's aesthetic? When I watch it now, I think partly of the more recent first half of 'Dusk to Dawn', but also I think of 'Two Lane Blacktop', and that genre. The bit in the car, 'Freebird' playing-nicely done.

    Not horror.

    And regarding choices, there is a scene, from memory involving the cop (William Forsythe) where there is a kind of standoff, and Rob just chooses to wait. And wait. And wait. I sat there, thinking, 'WOW'! I would have sat there and watched- would have loved it- if he just held that moment for an hour.

    Sometimes, you just wish a director would hold a shot, or a moment, forever, so you don't have to pause the DVD. As I get older, I guess, I think films cut from terrific moments way too quickly.

    Stop a while. Grab a bite. Sit with the moment. Tarantino knows how to do it, from time to time.

    Anyway, like Tarantino, I like the fact that Zombie brings back some of the greats...Karen Black, Geoffrey Lewis, etc...and keeps them where they belong- working.

    For this alone, Rob can stay a little while longer, as long as he makes the next one a ball tearer- horror or 70's homage.

    (still not seeing H2 though)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Jack -- it's the '65 'The collector' starring Terence Stamp (aka 'The Butterfly Collector')

    ***

    Mandingo -- I agree that 'Rejects' is not really horror.

    I like that waiting moment with Forsythe, too. I yearn for more patience in these movies.

    Yes, Zombie does employ many of the older greats, and I respect that.

    His next film, 'The Blob', does not excite me at all.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Enough with the remakes already! This goes for everyone in every genre. Leave well enough alone for Christ's sake! We only ended up subjecting ourselves to Zombie's first Halloween debacle out of pure boredom on one of our mandatory trips away.

    Our reaction? Stunned silence whilst the end credits rolled, not a word on the way out of the theatre, half way out to the parking lot...Mr Ward: "Wow, Rob Zombie really stunk the place up." Me: "Wtf was that, I thought my eyes were going to start bleeding, that was so goddamn boring, that's an hour and a half of my life I can never get back, I'm actually angry right now."

    Needless to say, I'm devoid of the tolerance required to go another round. No offense taken at all there Mr Mark.

    ReplyDelete
  18. You only mentioned "Sick Girl" once in your post but you said it was good and that one reference made me get it. Over on Dvdmaniacs (which is a place I quite like) there's a whole thread of people who dis it. Well, I loved it! Thanks for the heads up.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Jack J -- glad you flew against the prevailing grain, Jack, and have it a shot. When I find another little gem, I'll definitely speak up.

    ReplyDelete