I go to the movies a lot, but I'm enjoying the experience less and less.
That's because a new plague has invaded movie theaters, and nobody's doing anything about it.
It's ruining the experience.
It's creating a level of anxiety in me that is not diminishing with repetition.
It's as nasty as incessant chatting, but it's deceptively non-intrusive to the ears.
Have you encountered it?
It begins when the lights go down and the movie begins.
White squares of bright light begin appearing in the darkness. They tilt and twist, blink on and off, then re-appear again moments later.
Sometimes, these bright, glaring squares are passed from person to person, like the internet age version of a joint on a roach clip.
Has anybody ever shone a flashlight in your face?
Well, this is the equivalent of swarms of flashlights coming at you with the impact of an Irwin Allen disaster movie.
There was a time when your attention was cleverly directed to the movie screen by the lack of light around it.
Nothing interrupted the darkness.
Nothing appeared in your periphery.
These glowing, pulsing squares of light can appear next to you, or way down the front of the theater, just beneath the screen.
You find yourself sitting back and raising your knee to block them.
Or you rest your face on your hand to stop them blinking at you from the side.
Why the psychologically disturbed carriers of these white squares choose to kneel at the altar of their light-pulsing machines while simultaneously watching (and paying for) a movie is a mystery to me.
What isn't a mystery is why these people should die agonizing deaths.
They are selfishly indifferent to the non-light carriers around them, and when they are asked to put their lights away, they mumble and become agitated. Ten minutes later, these throwbacks light up again, pathetic slaves to their metal machines and the primitive need to have their puerile egos validated by equally puerile messages.
I am calling for the outright banning of active cell phones in movie theaters.
There is no reason for someone to be using their cell phone while a movie is in progress.
If you need to make a call or check the time or see if one of your loser friends has sent you another silly, inconsequential text or email, go outside and do it there. And while you're at it, kill yourself!
Nobody wants your white, pulsing personality replacement box messing up their movie experience.
Even better, stay home and masturbate with your beloved phone, you pathetic, miserable fucks.
Am I being unreasonable?