Friday, January 6, 2012

Worst Films of 2011


Sometimes I wonder why I see so many movies because I expose myself  to an awful rooker full of shit. The truth is, I'm addicted, I'm addicted to possibility. To potential. 

Is there such a thing as a degenerate optimist? I guess there is, because that's clearly what I am. Shit, I'm a filmmaker, aren't I? Few things require more psychotic optimism than movie making.  

Like a village idiot, I attend every movie with high hopes, good intentions, and an open mind. I'm not lying about that. Why else would I dare see Tom Hanks in Larry Crowne if I didn't think it would be good? Despite the awful poster (Hanks looking like a dick on a Vespa with Julia Roberts!), I still rolled the dice on that turd.

Anyway, I rolled the dice on Uncle Boonmee, too, and that's got a very cool poster.

It's on top of my Worst of 2011 list because it was an interminable bore. It got praised by professional critics and ended up on some 'Best' lists. Well, it ended up right here on a different list. Seriously, if this film had been in English instead of Thai, it would have been crucified for the steaming turd it is. 

Mickey Rourke's career is in a second major decline. The guy's talented, so why can't he recognize a stinker when he reads it? Or did he even bother to read it? Nothing in this script would have signaled greatness.   

Vile garbage. Just plain evil. I rest my case.

Pretty and lifeless. Like a Supermodel.

Get off the fuckin Vespa, Hanks, and give Roberts the heave-ho. She's no good for you! You've done good work in the past, but to depart 2011 with this and the cliche-ridden, horrendous Extremely Close and Incredibly Loud under your belt is a crying shame.

What a stinking crock of celluloid pus. Spending more than a hundred bucks on swill like this was as immoral as it gets. Think of the kids whose senses have been incinerated by this. 

Good intentions and big checks can't pump life into a rotten, confused script. Watching this was like watching Hollywood burn. 

An earlier attempt to do the 'Dylan Dog' property was the beautiful and horrific Dellamorte Dellamore (directed by Michele Soavi). Did nobody take a look at that first? Obviously not.

This take on the character was as poetic as a prostate exam, as interesting as Barbara Bush's vagina, and as disturbing as Count Chocula.   

Lots of money and nostalgia thrown at a script containing no logic whatsoever.  Awful because a smart rewrite would have repaired its flaws. I wrote about this shit at length in a previous blog.

Human Centipede 2 is on this list because it's tedious, not because it's disturbing. 

A triumph of smart marketing and a poster child for amateurishness disguised as meaningful chiaroscuro.

Truly, truly awful and boring black comedy with no laughs and confused intentions.

The more recent Young Adult, with the luscious and talented Charlize Theron, succeeded completely at what this stinker failed to do.

Films I'm Looking Forward To in 2012:

The Theatre Bizarre
Du Zhan
Last Stand
Bullet To The Head
Only God Forgives 
Django Unchained


  1. I own the DVD to "Uncle Boonmee"... I've only watched the first half hour or so.

    They must have recommended it on Amazon when i bought a bunch of other movies.

    I'll probably watch the rest of it eventually. Magic realism and all.

  2. My Vespa-riding boyfriend has insisted we see that Tom Hanks movie just because it has a Vespa in it. I don't watch movies with Tom Hanks or Julia Roberts in them, even if there were a hundred and twenty scooters pictured, Vespa or no. He'll have to go that one alone.

  3. Jenn -- fair call. He'd better go alone, or that boy- may not remain your -friend.

    You've spelt Vespa correctly; I didn't. Will correct.

  4. Katy -- good luck getting through the film. I hope you do like it. I didn't.

    Yes, definitely Magic Realism. My biggest issue with it was pacing and lack of clarity.

  5. I have yet to see any of these gobblers. But the worst film of the past several years for me, and possibly one of the worst of decade (for major releases anyway), was the Nick Cage film 'Knowing.'

    Although Roger Ebert loved it. Not sure why...

  6. UNCLE BOONME does have a creepy/cool poster - but am I the only one who's reminded of that famous '60s "footage" of Bigfoot?

  7. Mac -- KNOWING, I agree, was bloody awful. No idea why Ebert liked it. I do have respect for Ebert as he is well educated in cinema, but he surely saw this film through very different eyes than us.


    Will -- Yes, the UNCLE poster is beautiful, and the film does feature some interesting surrealism with such creatures, but it's so drawn out and paceless without offering anything emotionally. I don't have a problem with slow moving movies if the content is rich.

  8. Thank you, Mr. Phantom for calling out Uncle BoreMe for the turd it is. I'm still trying to figure out WHY it's on so many Top Ten lists.

  9. Another great list, Phantom. I did get something out of a couple though (Uncle and HC2).

    I'm pretty hesitant about The Woman as I thought Offspring stunk up the joint.

    My worst of the year was Small Town Murder Songs, and the worst viewing I had of the year was La Vie Nouvelle.

  10. Ivan -- why on so many Top 10 lists? Absolutely no idea.


    Diary -- Offspring was awful.

    La Vie Nouvelle I saw theatrically several years ago. It was torture to remain in my seat.

    The same director's Un Lac is an improvement, but it's still in the same "vein".

    I really hated La Vie once it got to the 'characters' in the hotel.

    Small Town Murder Songs I've yet to see and should probably avoid it... yes?

  11. Very relieved to hear your dislike for La Vie, it really is. I was actually told I would enjoy Un Lac, that is, by someone who adored La Vie. When I do watch it I'll play it safe and expect the worst.

    It seems to be a crowd-splitter, but I would say yes and just skip it.